existence on this planet...

I have been kind of dealing with a lot lately. Its why I have been so absent lately. I am officially working 3 jobs. I have pros and cons for all of them. I have also been trying to sort through all those likes and dislikes and using them to try and figure out what I want to do on a more permanent basis.

I am still working in the hotel biz. 8-5, 40 hours a week. I will be doing so until about he middle of March. I like dealing with the world on a global level, macro instead of micro. Yes, I called Milan and Rome just this week. I like projects, trying to figure out how to do things, compiling information. The people I work with are very nice and helpful and I like working with them but I cannot relate to them on any level and by the end of the day, much less by the end of the work week, I am dying to have a conversation with someone. Most of what I do is really boring and menial. Working in an office sometimes gets my skin to crawl and I want to shove the pen in my ear.
I am having serious issues with my 40 hour, though really 50 hour including my 2 hours of commuting everyday, work week. I come home and I have a measly 4 hours to spend on myself and at least part of that is spent preparing for the next work day.

I am also working as costume assistant to Chicago Costume designer Cybele Moon. Yay Theater! I am currently working on a show called SMART at the The Side Project in Rogers Park. It is based on the true story of the murder of two college professors by 2 New Hampshire teens in 2001. I love working with Cybele. Last night I was at her house doing alterations on the costumes until 10pm, sewing, eating pizza, talking about everything and having an evening with someone I could honestly relate to. I came home feeling a lot better and in a better mood than I have been in in weeks. Just ask Bryson about my ridiculous moodiness. Theater is short bursts of really intense work though. The show opens in 2 weeks and there is a lot to do. Most of my free time and my weekend will be taken up by it. Part of me is happy and excited to be doing something I enjoy and working with someone who is really really awesome and more than willing to let me tag along and part of me wishes I had time to work more on my own projects and figuring out myself. But I would need a sewing machine for that...

I am still working at Lifeline as House Manager on Saturday nights and as doc photographer for Frances. Yes, that is my photograph on the cover of the 25th anniversary season brochure. The little extra money I get from this goes right into savings, without question, for a rainy day kitty day. It also allows me to use my photography on my own terms right now. I really like photographing the shows. I can get the kind of pictures I like to take, help out someone else and not lug around a bunch of equipment. I HATE hauling a bunch of stuff.

In all of this I feel like I have no time for myself. Sometimes all the stress and frustration that has built up over the last 9 years is difficult to contain. It has no where to go so it just stays inside of me. I get grumpy and tired, bitter and sometimes angry and every little thing around me bothers me, like all the BS with my apt. And then Bryson gets it. He is the last person that I want to have to deal with it. But deal with it he has, for 10 months now and most of it in the last 6 months. And he is not about to give up on me like most everyone else, who are no longer in my life, have.

I really hate feeling this way and I really hate acting the way I do. I am also unable to eat properly or get enough sleep on a regular enough basis, which isn't helping. I also feel like I don't have enough support for the things I really want to do. Morally as much as monetarily.

I am uncomfortable in my own skin. And I don't know how to fix it.