12.06.2007

Waking Sleep...

This past week has been very strange.

I have had some sleep issues that I do not understand and are starting wear on me. I have also taken on this weird unsettled feeling. Like I am not doing something right or I am not thinking about what I am doing and it is having unnoticed effects. I don't know if this is just me or the result of some of the things going on in my life right now. I have had a door, ok maybe just a window, of opportunity make itself available to me in the past few days and I am excited and apprehensive about it. I think it is a perfect opportunity and just the thing that I feel I want and or need to do to help me get out of the rut I have been in the past few years, to just do something different. If it happens, and that if can be a really big if or a really small if, there are people that will be strongly effected and left behind to a certain degree. Those are the people that I would least like to put in that situation and least like to leave behind in the first place. These are also the people that if they told me not to do it I wouldn't. In a heartbeat. It is also a bridge that just needs to be crossed when we get there and not before. I've spent most of my life doing what other people want or think I should do and I have this sort of programming that makes me think of how what I do affects other people before I think about myself. These are kind of hard to get around and that maybe the reason for all of my strange feelings right now regarding my uncertain future. I know that I need to find my own place and what is important for me without other people but at the same time I feel like those people are just as important and I want them to be with me no matter what happens.

2 comments:

girlie said...

i totally understand this feeling. it is a fine balance between self and others... it took me asking for "permission" or at least other's opinions to fianlly decide where even i stood on that thin tight rope of this crazy circus called life ;)

sushi said...

dragon gave me a ring! the engagement is official!