i think i will frame it...

i am a reader of Concious Choice. it is a free magazine all about concious living (being green, sustainability, yoga, health, politics, etc...) I don't really like their editor. i think he can be really naive and shallow but that is another tangent for another day. Concious Choice usually has a page near the end with the quote for the month and really nice graphic design. This month's quote, a favorite of mine anyway, brought me back to reality and out of the harsh world i thought i was living in for the past 2 weeks.

"If I am not for myself, who will be?
If I am only for myself, what am I?
If not now, when?"
-Hillel the Elder

Last week, some of you know, was the Boitsov Graduation performance (pictures will be posted shortly). It was also my final final of my undergraduate career. i learned that i can function on 3-4 hours of sleep, albeit slightly emotionally, that if need be the body can actually survive for short periods of time (17 hours) with out ingesting external nutrients and that it is also possible to dance at my age without warming up, albeit not anywhere near the state of perfection i would like nor anywhere near the degree of professionalism that i am capale of. In the process of rehearsals i learned that althought i enjoy working with small children i would rather be a dancer than a babysitter. The past 6 or so months of my ballet career have been a challenge because of rehearsals, because i am anywhere between 5 and 10 years older than every single girl in my class and i cannot relate to them on almost any level, because their relative immaturity (they are in high school after all) has held me back. They are in that stage of their lives. I am in this stage of my life.
The plan is to talk to Boitsov about possibly moving me or letting me trial in the next class up. How do i do that when i also have to tell her that i need to take some time off because i cannot pay tutition? i learned earlier this week, although i realize that i knew long beforehand it just didn't click in my brain because i was focused on so many other things, that i can pay off my credit card from the month of july but i cannot pay august's rent or anything else for that matter.
The first three days of this week my body ached and was stiff, my brain didn't know what to do with itself since the turmoil of the previous week was no more. The stress of my just realized financial state adding the the physical and mental pain that i felt. Last night i made my self return to my yoga class. A practice that brought me through the end of last semester without too much stress and that i believe in. I also have a teacher that i absolutely admire and respect with every bone in my body. (her name is Patricia Hyland, she is awesome). It was a difficult class but my body loosened and some of the pain in my neck and shoulders subsided. i took home a copy of Concious Choice and flipped through it in bed while Bryson checked his email and brushed his teeth.

"If I am not for myself, who will be?
If I am only for myself, what am I?
If not now, when?"

My resume is going out to several temp agencies this morning and i am calling people i know with some connections and hopefully i will have a job on monday. i may not make as much as i really need to in the next 2 weeks but with the support of those around me and ancient wisdom behind me how can i lose hope now? my life is only beginning...