sick...

i am sick of being angry at you all the time. i am sick of being angry all the time. i am sick of feeling like i have to apologize for the way i am. i am sick of hating myself. i am sick of hating my life. i am sick of being here and feeling like i can't leave. i am sick of feeling stuck. i am sick of always doing what everyone else thinks that i should do and then falling short of their expectations. i am sick of never being able to do what i want. i am sick of talking and having no one listen. i am sick of yearning for something that i can never have. i am sick of no one agreeing with or being supportive of what i want. i am sick of watching my life disappear. i am sick of always having to think about how other people feel. i am sick of always having to think about how what i do or say affects everyone else and no one thinking about how it affects me. i am sick of feeling hurt all the time. i am sick of being in pain. i am sick of everyone else's problems always being bigger and more and important than mine. i am sick of always having to deal with it because that's just the way things are. i am sick of just having to cope. i am sick of being alone. i am sick of you not ever being around. i am sick of searching for something i never seem to find. i am sick of not having a purpose. i am sick of not being able to do anything well. i am sick of no one understanding. i am sick of small talk. i am sick of thankless jobs. i am sick of feeling stupid. i am sick of being made an object of. i am sick of feeling empty all the time. i am sick of the cold. i am sick of my hair coming out in handfuls all the time. i am sick of not being able to relate to another person for even 5 minutes. i am sick of how easy it seems for everyone else. i am sick of working hard for something and it never being enough. i am sick of feeling like a stranger. i am sick of hating everything. i am sick of waiting. i am sick of everything being just beyond my reach. i am sick of being taunted by something better that i will never achieve. i am sick of being told how much harder everything is. i am sick of being told that the economy sucks. i am sick of settling. i am sick of making an effort that no one recognizes. i am sick of feeling alienated. i am sick of having nowhere to go. i am sick of being uncomfortable all the time. i am sick of being mediocre. i am sick of just wanting something else. i am sick of hearing what everyone else thinks that i should be doing. i am sick of having to be stressed out all the time. i am sick of feeling ugly and awkward. i am sick of not having anything to say. i am sick of feeling like my skin is crawling all the time. i am sick of being scared and paranoid. i am sick of being useless. i am sick of clothes and shoes that don't fit. i am sick of being unnoticed. i am sick of having to be there for everyone else when no one is ever there for me. i am sick of people bad mouthing cops. i am sick of everyone expecting me to change for them when they won't change for me. i am sick of plastic bags. i am sick of cracks in the wall and peeling paint. i am sick of not knowing what to do with myself. i am sick of things wearing out and not being able to replace them. i am sick of trying to fill a mold. i am sick of not wanting this life. i am sick of being sick of...

lemon tree...

i am finding myself obsessed with lemons lately. i never used to like lemony stuff before. Maybe it was the experience of actually picking lemons off the tree in Israel.
*
I am in the mood to make some lemony dessert. i was just looking at a recipe for lemon cupcakes with lemon cream cheese frosting though i need to stop eating refined sugar and cream cheese.
*
They just look so darn good! i have also been reading about people's meyer lemon trees starting bear the seasons fruit. i would love to have a lemon tree.

http://meyerlemontree.com/

*lemon tree picture found in google search, lemon cupcake picture from stephmodo.com

12:29 am 10/4/08 thursday...

I am incredibly overwhelmed lately. if i don't find a job soon, like tomorrow, that is not the following i will officially have no money left and be destitute. for real.
pay $8/hr or less
require a car
require more than one leg of transportation
require an unreliable travel time of an hour or more
involve accounting, waiting tables or specialized training, like say a laywer
only part-time
require me to drop another $600 i don't have on fancy schmancy office clothes that are uncomfortable and don't fit.

I spent some time going back through my blog tonight, only fitting since reading blogs is what i do mostly right now, and i found several things interesting.
how the problems i am having right now are the same i was having in august
how i used to live for an impossible dream
how there must be something on these pages that will point in some direction
if only more people read this and shared their thoughts with me.

what to do when you don't have a job...

I finally finished the turtle for Maribel.


pattern from knitty.com

I knit myself cat. It kinda reminds me of my friend Toy's cat Valentino, could be one of his litter mates, so her name has inadvertently become Valentina.


pattern also from knitty.com but i added the tail. There are two more coming. a gray kitty in a pink and black sweater and a pink kitty with a gray and black sweater.

I needed something to hold all the odds and ends i throw into my extremely large bag but none of the make up bags that i have were exactly right, too big, too small, wrong shape. So i designed my own.

It has two zippered pockets and opens like a book.


I wanted to put elastic loops for my make up brushes but i didn't have any elastic so this one is sort of wallet-like on the inside. it also conveniently doubles as a clutch and matches my outfit for the benefit tomorrow.

i used muslin and put freeform sewing machine stitching on it for interest and a really awesome huge wooden button.

That and I check email and facebook compulsively even though i know there isn't anything new and i blogsurf for hours on end. Apartment Therapy, Angry Chicken and Sugar City Journal are my faves.

rearranging...

This is what my apartment looks like now. i am finding that in order to do any work at the table it needs to be closer to the window or my body blocks all the light. because the lighting in my apartment is sucky.

So maybe something like this.
Though in real life i don't think there will be enough room between the bed and the chairs and table.

its my box and you can't have it!