this road seems to come to an end...

i have hit a dead end and i don't know what else to do. as another month comes to a close i still have no job and no prospects. no i don't know what i want to do. that seems to be the question i get asked. i know what i don't want. retail, sales, evenings and weekends, telemarketing. i am employed, supposedly, by 3 temp agencies who never call. i have exhausted craigslist, careerbuilder, the reader and monster.com. everything reads like a scam and most of it is and i know that becasue i have already dealt personally with some of the companies. everything is retail or part-time or for $6 an hour or evenings and weekends only. i really don't know what else to do. i would really prefer to not work at starbucks. i no longer drink coffee, it makes me sick when i do occasionally have a cup, i would not be learning anything new, already been a barista, weird hours, standing all day sweating and coming home smelly. i don't like starbucks coffee, its over roasted. i want something i can maybe learn something i don't know at, something that will actually add to my resume.
if you have any words of encouragement please pass them along because i am at my wits end and getting horribly depressed. Or just remind me of what my skill set actually is because i feel qualified for nothing except being gawked at.

in the words of thirdeyeblind, "i want something else to get me through this semi-charmed kind of life."

"will work for free..."

This photographer job with the rug company loooks like it is not going to pan out. i am scheduled to shoot for them on tuesday and i will not be getting paid for that because its "like a second interview" BS. and it doesn't appear that i will be paid anything near a professional rate if it does work out. i couldn't get any actual numbers out of her but she said the guy they've been using will shoot 50 rugs and they will pay him $100. 50 rugs is kind of alot. i am assuming that would take some time. she admitted that it was practically pro bono. why would you admit that to someone you want to hire? why would you interview a professional and not treat them as such? she stated in the original interview that this was going to be a real shoot. they would use the images and its not something they were planning to reshoot. then she tells me on the phone that they wouldn't want to pay me for this trial shoot because what if they have to reshoot? i have been disrespected and demeaned as a professional. it is really not worth my time to even do the shoot on tuesday, not that i have anything else to do but i could be thouroughly enjoying my time off or shooting something that will make it into my portfolio.

i did have a lady call me back about an internship that sounds really intesting, unpaid, but i do have an interview tomorrow afternoon for a legal assistant position that will actually pay my bills. i also got kudos on my body of work from the portfolio advisor i saw today.

and this just makes me laugh...

kitty fight


Thats what i think about violence!

things to do...

so just in case anyone has been wondering what i have been doing with my time, aside from trying to find a job.

1. Cooking


Mushroom and Pea Quinoa Risotto.
Very good with some parmesan cheese mixed in. Says it makes 4 servings, more like 8. a week later i still have some left over and it uses way too many dishes.


Summer Pot Pie with Tomato and Goat Cheese. Best thing i have made since spinach pie. Super easy too. I a have a winter vegetable version with potato, fennel and squash i can't wait to try.
I just finished some vegetable soup which i added some of the leftover quinoa to and needs some salt. i have quite a bit if any one is hungry or else it is going into the freezer

random picture of a pomegranate. i thought it was pretty.

2. Planning Interior decorating for my oh so drab apartment and designing furniture

A sewing table. One that isn't too wide or too long. so it will fit in my aprtment. Made from components from Ikea, some plywood and paint. cost $80ish. the colors are black and silver. it seems a little gothic but it goes with the scheme for the rest of my apt and the baroque looking legs match a frame i have which is also black.

I kinda wanted to option of making the table longer so i could set up my table top ironing board or have extra space to cut some patterns or room for larger projects. the idea is the side is just another peice of plywood on a hinge and it folds down. i was trying to think of an idea of fold out legs but it seemed to bulky and complicated so , i thought i could use another cabinet-y type peice and it could sit next to the table and i could just slide it over and flip up the side and then rest it on the cabinet.
I finished sewing 3 of 4 chair cushions. i just need more ribbon for the 4th and some foam for all of them. they are multi colored stripes of fairly bright-ish colors. i will post a picture as soon as they are done.

3. reading.
i haven't read like this since high school. i am up all night just with a book. I just finished Marjorie Morningstar and a Short History of Judaism. i am moving on to Finding God at Harvard (Because God went to Harvard right?) I know I know all religious books but a little religion now and then never hurt any one. i have also become re obsessed with fashion so i have been looking up all things fashiony online. i really like the Sartorialist's blog. I really hate current hipster fashion. Some designers i like: Luisa Beccaria, Romina Karamanea, Alice Ritter and Erin Fetherston ( who is only 24!!) I am just waiting for the sewing machine to be repaired and for somehow to acquire a bolt of muslin and a roll of brown paper. pencils, rulers and thread i already own thank God.

4. Blogging
i have nothing to do! why not. i have spent alot of time on the internet andi have found some interesting stuff so why not share it.

Yea. so... Parsons has a Design program in Paris. isn't that fascinating?

i really should find some kind of physical movement to do. my back is starting to kill me from the long hours at the computer without a proper seating arrangement. and i don't want to get fat or too behind for when i can afford to take dance classes again.

Please please comment or write me or something. i am lonely and bored.

big city dreams...

i am having this ridiculous fascination with going to New York for awhile. i am finding several things of interest only to have them all be in NY. i find it strange because last i was there i was totally unimpressed, big cities tend not to impress me much. of course i was completely jet lagged and sick and we didn't do anything while i was there. it'd be a way of getting out of chicago for a while without having to cross the pond or learn another language.

ali macGraw is Jewish...

Didn't know that. Thought i'd share.

i am in a fashiony mood lately. so i have put Love Story on my netflix queue just to see her clothes. yes mom you can watch too. All mini skirts and tights. always my favorite. i hope my sewing machine is fixed soon so i can start sewing!
image found on yahoo image search

poiret...

This is the awesomest coat ever. i want to try and make one. it reminds me of a 1910's cocoon coat by Poiret.

Image by The Sartorialist.
thesartorialist.blogspot.com

Thought I Was a Girl...

By Mimi Notik


He's just your average college guy.

School team hat. Beaten jeans and sneakers. Blonde hair.

He sits to my right.

He is a boy.

I am a girl.

This girl and this boy are on flight 1016, both excited for their arrival in Miami.

They are sitting way too close for comfort They are sitting way too close for comfort, and this trip's battle over the armrest takes an easy loss on the side of the girl.

We're in the air.

The boy spreads out as much as he can, reclines his seat, and shifts his hat to cover his eyes.

Something's holding me back from relaxing.

No, not something.

A boy is holding me back from relaxing.

I'm not accustomed to sprawling out and resting in such proximity to a college lad.

So this girl is sitting upright.

There is no plan of action when you're stuck in 5 square feet and thousands of feet in the air. She'll just have to deal.

Soon enough, the young mister starts moving.

Ever so nonchalantly, our young man pulls out a magazine from his stuff.

And, no, it's not Newsweek.

They call it "Men's Health Magazine."

Apparently, a tan and barely clothed model has something to do with men's health.

I glance over. I have to see the expression on his face.

The pictures. The vulgar headlines. Is he seriously about to peruse through this magazine with a young lady seated right beside him?

This girls cheeks are probably a little flushed.

So he opens it.

The flashy pages totally grab my glances in this empty, crammed, and temporary space.

And now, every time he turns the page, I naturally look over…almost against my will.

The pictures. The vulgar headlines.

This men's magazine is totally dedicated to the objectification of women.

Women - for men's viewing pleasure.

I am utterly amazed.

Does this boy not realize?

I, too, am a woman.

I am a feminine being.

I have the same body parts

I may even wear the same lipstick.

And the boy sits beside the girl, turning the pages ever so casually.

This guy is acting as if I am a separate creation. As if I have nothing to take personally.

He is effacing my gender.

The lack of embarrassment is startling.

How could he not be uncomfortable?

Who does he think he is – exposing me to this?

Row 21 has never been the scene of so much squirming. I am cringing from within.

This girl wants to cry.

He is effacing my gender On a flight to Miami, I am forced to face the harsh reality of how all-too-many view the purpose of the female body, the truths of our all-too-often shameless society, and the horrors of a world with no respect for boundaries.

As I sat in 21E, this girl realized that people have become all too comfortable with their own perversions.

There's no such thing as "behind closed doors" anymore.

And not just that, but our young fellow has lost touch of the world. He doesn't even realize he's sitting next to a woman.

When he opened the magazine, I became an object.

That was the only way he could open the magazine without being guilt-ridden, without it feeling wrong.

After all, who opens a men's magazine with provocative pictures while seated an inch away from a young woman?

This girl feels a little taken advantage of.

She feels a loss of innocence.

And all because of your average college guy.

School team hat. Beaten jeans and sneakers. Blonde hair.

He sits to my right.

He is a boy.

I am an object.

I found this story on Chabad.org. i would not have reacted the exact same way in this exact situation but this story describes exactly how i feel on a daily basis when random men on the street make comments at me. i have yet to understand this behavior. ami supposed to run after them and fall into their beds? is it an awkward way of compliment? who are these guys parents and where did they go to school and grow up that this is considered appropriate behavior? my question is how do i tell this constatly changing random group of people that their comments and their behavior are inappropriate? it doesn't matter what i am wearing (i tend to dress more conservatively due to this particular problem) nor who i am with (while walking down the street with Bryson, which made it humorous in the end really.) i find myself muttering asshole undermy breath in the same way most of them mutter sweetie or sexy under their breath.sometimes when you hear something enough times you start to believe them. i get a hollow feeling, a questioning, maybe i am just an object whose only purpose is to be gawked at? sometimes it is hard to shrug. i thought of doing a project where i carry a polaroid camera with me and everytime someone said something or stared a little too intently i would take a picture of myself and hand it to them. apicture lasts longer anyway. though that too would have an aftermath and a consequence that i may or may not be worse than the problem.

children of theatre street

i just watched a documentary made in 1977 about the Vaganova Choreographic Institute also known as the Kirov School in St. Petersburg. It is a wonderful movie. I continue to be amazed by classical ballet and by the children who live this life. it makes me sad that such training, even close, is not available here in Chicago. Particulary through the school that i spent the past 8 years devoting my life to. Maybe spoiled american children cannot understand what it is like to focus on one thing at a time and stop multitasking long enough to appreciate something greater they they are.
i am a horrible dancer. i know this. i just want a chance to do it and say that i worked hard and i tried.
i reccommend this film to anyone even remotely interested in ballet.

Food for thought...

This is an article from an e-newsletter from Yogamates.com. I find it very interesting. I buy almost if not all my produce form a local produce mart. its not organic but it is a local small business. i always bring my backpack and a tote bag with me to both the produce mart and the grocery store. i never take home more than 2 plastic bags, that's still too much for me. what do i do with all of them? i don't eat to many processed foods, a little cheese here and there, and i rarely eat meat any more of any kind. i do not own a bike. i have nowhere to store it and Chicago traffic scares the crap out of me even when i am not in it. but if you must drive a car i think car sharing is the way to go or buy a hybrid. glass containers insead of plastics are much healthier as well particularly when you microwave. i find that living green is very expensive though and sometimes you have to concede to your pocket book and not to your conscience


From Zero to Hero: How to lose 50 pounds a day for the rest of your life
By Alastair Bland

To me, it always felt wrong; hauling my trash out to the sidewalk each Monday morning to let the garbage man whisk it away and then wiping my hands clean of the whole mess as though I’d done a proper and citizenly thing.

But my hands never did come fully clean. I was, after all, a direct and constant contributor to the world’s ever-growing garbage problem. And in spite of all my self-righteousness as an environmentalist, I was throwing away pounds and pounds of plastic, Styrofoam and otherwise non-biodegradable product packaging each week.

But on New Year’s Day, 2007, everything changed. I went cold turkey on trash, starting up a peculiar pattern of eating and shopping habits recommended to me by a friend in Santa Barbara. He called it the “Zero-Waste Diet.”

While the positive ramifications of this lifestyle shift are huge, the concept is baby-talk simple: produce zero waste, or as close to it as possible. And remarkably, following the diet is easy. I have not become an eccentric, and nothing I do to minimize my waste is extraordinary. I take a canvas bag shopping. I buy almost everything in bulk. I reuse old plastic bags and rarely accept new ones at the counter. I don’t touch products that come with unnecessary packaging. I recycle and compost. And I ride a bike almost everywhere. Many people, I understand, already advocate these practices. Following the diet just requires greater dedication and a never-ending diligence.

The diet has fostered in me an appreciation of simplicity. Processed foods, for example — with their long lists of ingredients and their implicit messy histories of mining, extraction, laboratories, machinery and fuel — have totally lost appeal. Simplicity also means cutting unnecessary steps and materials out of the equation, particularly products that dress themselves in shrink-wrap.

I’ve also begun to question the virtues of recycling. How much energy, I wonder, is required to melt down and reshape given amounts of glass, plastic and metal? Wouldn’t it be better to avoid these containers to begin with? Sure. Why not?

Transportation is a no-brainer for the ZW-dieter. Don’t drive. Just the idea of employing a 3000-pound vehicle to motor a 150-pound body of healthy muscle and bone across the neighborhood is funny. In a stupid way, I mean.

By contrast, riding a bike makes every bit of sense. A bicycle, for those unfamiliar, is a phenomenal 15- to 40-pound, two-wheeled, leg-powered vehicle that can carry a person at nearly the same speed as an automobile, silently, and with benefits for the body, mind and community.

But most aspects of the Zero-Waste Diet boil down to food. We all shop several times per week, so why not do so in a low-impact manner? I buy my herbs, spices, nuts, coffee, grains and other staples in bulk and in reused bags, and for large vegetables and fruits, I just carry them to the counter in my bike helmet.

And large supermarkets are out. Even the beloved Trader Joe’s packs nearly all of its produce, grains and legumes in plastic wrap and disposable boxes. This makes things happily convenient at the checkout stand, but to buy many foods from this giant retailer is to act in full-on contempt of the diet. Meanwhile, small, independent grocery stores that sell dried goods and produce plastic-free and by the pound are easily found in most neighborhoods. They carry all the essential building blocks of great food and a strengthened community. Support them, I say.

Last Monday morning before dawn I snuck out front with a hand-scale to weigh my neighbors’ trash. In one week, the five of them — fairly average citizens — produced 58 pounds. My own refuse, collected over an entire month, weighed just five-and-a-half.

What this means in the big scheme of things, I haven’t actually calculated, but it can’t be bad. Okay, I doubt Zero-Wasters will save the world, but one thing’s certain: my hands are pretty clean these days. How about yours?

Boitsov Classical Ballet Graduation Performance July 14, 2007

Troublemakers. and they seem so cute too.

Wings Dance Company from North Carolina. All three are graduates of Boitsov.

Mary Ellen and her students. I love this one. Its classic with the little girls buzzing around the Ballerina!


Mr. Mitchell and Ms. Barnes doing an Egyptian style modern piece

Frog Butts!!

I just look good in this picture. I have a long ballerina neck and i'm smiling. (i'm in the middle with the scarf on my head)

Gypsy Passion. It looks like fire almost doesn't it?

aren't we cute?

our hair is longer now.

*Picture taken by Brent Engelen

yay!

i now have my very own internet connection!